What not to say after someone has a miscarriage, and what to say instead.

October is miscarriage and infant loss awareness month.

I am 1 out of 4 women who has experienced pregnancy loss.

When miscarriage occurs, we can easily be at a loss for words although we mean well.

The purpose of this post is not to shame anyone, but rather to learn how to offer better support to someone who has experienced a miscarriage.

Years ago, before I experienced miscarriage myself, I was guilty of having said some of these things like, “At least it was early on.” Miscarriage can cause immense grief that’s complicated since it happens in our bodies.

Here are some things to say and do to help support your loved one through miscarriage.

What not to say:

• "At least you already have a child."

• "You can just try again."

• "It wasn't meant to be."

• "Your hormonal"

• "At least you were only early."

• "You weren't ready to have a baby right now anyway."

• "It wasn't a baby yet."

• "Are you still not over it?"

What to do and say instead:

• "This is not your fault."

• Be present, available and listen

• Ask if there is anything they need or you can do

• Speak about the child by name

• Buy flowers for them

• Cook them a meal

• Book them a relaxation massage

• "I'm Sorry"

• "I'm here."

• "I am not sure what to say, I feel for you.''

• "I love you."

• Support their decisions regarding testing, cremation or not, and any other medical care for the baby or themselves without judgment.

Please see this blog on the healing services we offer for miscarriage.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why should I avoid saying "At least you know you can get pregnant"? While intended to be hopeful, this phrase minimizes the loss of the specific baby that was just lost. It implies that the pregnancy was replaceable, which can be deeply hurtful to someone who is currently grieving a unique and significant loss.

2. What are some examples of "at least" phrases to avoid? You should avoid phrases like "At least you weren't further along," "At least you already have a child," or "At least it happened early." Any sentence starting with "at least" typically serves to downplay the person's pain rather than acknowledging it.

3. Is it okay to use religious phrases like "God has a plan"? Unless you are certain of the person's specific spiritual beliefs and that they find comfort in those words, it is best to avoid them. During early grief, such phrases can feel dismissive or make the person feel as though their sadness is "wrong" or "unfaithful."

4. What is the best thing to say if I don't know what to say? Being honest is often the most supportive path. You can say, "I don’t have the right words, but I am so incredibly sorry and I am here for you." Simply acknowledging the loss and offering your presence is more powerful than trying to find a "fix."

5. How can I offer practical support without being intrusive? Instead of saying "Let me know if you need anything," offer specific help. Try saying, "I’d love to bring you dinner this week—would Tuesday or Wednesday work better?" or "I'm heading to the store; can I drop off some groceries for you?"